Okay - while I think your premise is good, I'm not sure about the signalling of the backstory etc. or if you're quite giving your audience enough information for them to understand the significance of the light bulb etc. You know what all of this means - not sure they will. I think you may need to begin by showing that more of the bodies have the light bulbs on and that we're shown the thief taking them off the bodies - after all, your character is like the audience - he doesn't know the significance of the lightbulb either, so he needs time to work it out just as we do. I also don't think we need something as melodramatic and cumbersome as 'divorce papers' etc. This is about a father saying a last goodbye to his family - so maybe he only needs a picture of him and his family in his wallet - that's all we need too. We can assume he's been killed suddenly and unexpectedly in a car accident or similar. I don't think it needs to be more complex than that. Also, right now, you're ending suggests that the father may not make his peace before the stealer takes his bulb away. I think this is a bit mean! Why not let him say the words, and then he tries to say more, but the stealer slowly shakes his head and then, with slow deliberate movements, he takes the light bulb and everything goes black...
OGR 23/01/17
ReplyDeleteHey Al,
Okay - while I think your premise is good, I'm not sure about the signalling of the backstory etc. or if you're quite giving your audience enough information for them to understand the significance of the light bulb etc. You know what all of this means - not sure they will. I think you may need to begin by showing that more of the bodies have the light bulbs on and that we're shown the thief taking them off the bodies - after all, your character is like the audience - he doesn't know the significance of the lightbulb either, so he needs time to work it out just as we do. I also don't think we need something as melodramatic and cumbersome as 'divorce papers' etc. This is about a father saying a last goodbye to his family - so maybe he only needs a picture of him and his family in his wallet - that's all we need too. We can assume he's been killed suddenly and unexpectedly in a car accident or similar. I don't think it needs to be more complex than that. Also, right now, you're ending suggests that the father may not make his peace before the stealer takes his bulb away. I think this is a bit mean! Why not let him say the words, and then he tries to say more, but the stealer slowly shakes his head and then, with slow deliberate movements, he takes the light bulb and everything goes black...